Despite the fact that my Holiday Spirit flew to the Dominican for Christmas, a dirty little elf apparently snuck in here last night and made a mess of my living room.
It started with a tree. And after that, the Christmas bins from my basement showed up in my kitchen. And before I knew it, THIS happened:
|It even SMELLS like elf puke|
Luckily the rest of the crap stayed in bins. No garland, no second or third tree, no candles, no table runner, no smelly pine cones. I think the bastard elf got tired. Or lazy. Or he realized none of this shit really matters. If my Holiday Spirit decided to skip it this year, why should the elf care?
But I guess he does care - just a little - because at some point yesterday this tree of some traditional winter species did appear in my house. It's a small one, but still. I don't even know how the little bugger carried it - it's too big for an elf to lift. He must have some sort of super-elf strength. He's probably on steroids. I wonder if Santa knows. Probably not. If Santa knew, he would've called the cops or thrown him into rehab by now.
They should make a rehab facility for elves. I bet there's a lot of stress for an elf that could easily drive him to drug and alcohol abuse. And overeating. How could you not overeat with all those sugarplums around?
Come to think of it, I think I might start a rehab resort for the mystical creatures of Christmas. And I wont make them do ANY of the normal Christmas activities. They can just sit around and eat cheese and peanut butter and play iPhone Scrabble.
In fact, maybe they could take turns. Every year, one third of all the Christmas elves can take a year off. The remaining suckers will still assume the responsibility for the carols, and baking, and cooking, and parties, and lights, and trees while the chosen third enjoy a well-deserved vacation. It'll be like a shift rotation. Like a special workplace mental wellness program. But for elves.
That way, no one elf has to take on all the requirements of the holidays for more than two years in a row. And when they return to work after their retreat they'll be rested and reminded of the beauty of the holidays. Distance makes the heart grow stronger and all that.
Also, the workforce each year will be reduced by one third, which means we can cut one third of the "fat" from the holidays. The level of cheer and generosity can remain, but with less toy building and
And our new motto?
Less is more. We can't do everything, so we'll just do some.
I like this plan. Help me implement it, won't you?