People kept telling me it would be hell. That doesn't describe anything. That just scares me while also making me doubt that it's true. So as I was laying in bed at 3am, I decided I needed a way to describe the joy/misery that is nerborn-dom.
I figure it's kinda like a natural disaster, a tornado or a hurricane.
First, the storm is coming. You have some warning from the experts and you start to prepare, but you don't really know how bad it will be. Will it be like the one you saw on tv? Or maybe it will pass right over you?
When the baby comes, the storm hits. In an adrenaline-rushed flurry, you run to your storm cellar. You grab whatever supplies you guess you'll need and you barely keep your wits about you. For the duration of the storm, you hold up in the dark and inevitably go nuts. You're scared and you can't concentrate. You have moments of lucidity and moments of panic. You can't fall asleep, even if the noise outside did subside long enough for you to try. You're terrified of what will become of you. You cling to your partner to keep you sane and safe.
Not only that, but you are weak. You've just finished competing in the iron woman competition and your whole body is wrecked. Also, you may or may not be recovering from a "saw the lady in half" magic trick you were forced to participate in yesterday (after the iron woman events).
On top of it, in a freak occurrence of nature, you are suffering from puberty, PMS, and menopause, simultaneously.
Oh, and there are stitches in your vagina.
Furthermore, you aren't alone in the cellar. You've been entrusted with the care of a very tiny, very delicate baby koala bear. Sure, it's a cute koala bear, but you have no idea how to take care of a koala bear, particularly in these traumatic circumstances.
And this isn't just any normal koala bear. This is the world's most precious koala bear - a koala unicorn - the first and only of its kind known to humanity. Should anything happen to this koala unicorn, you will never forgive yourself, and neither will society.
This goes on for a couple weeks - you locked down in the cellar during the longest tornado in Earth's history, scared and crippled by exhaustion.
But then the storm begins to subside. You inch your way to the cellar door and gently open it inch by inch, carefully emerging into the light. Sure, there's an utter disaster around you, everything is a mess, and your whole world is wiped out. Parts of your life before the storm have been lost forever (including bladder control) and you're generally very fragile.
HOWEVER, your surroundings have never looked so beautiful. You're in awe of nature. It may look grim in some ways, but also so promising in others. Your friends, family, and neighbours will help you put your Humpty Dumpty world back together again.
Ultimately, you're hopeful that everything will be better than it was before. You're just so fucking grateful that everything truly important - you, your family, and your koala unicorn - are safe and happy. Everything else will fall into place.